What if your dream seems too big and scary?

A friend recently told me about her dream of living in a landed home.

Almost as quickly as she shared the dream, she dismissed it - “It’s impossible.”

I found that interesting.

Not that everyone should aspire to live in a big house, but because of how quickly we sometimes reject our own desires before giving life a chance to surprise us.

We decide that the dream is too expensive…too unrealistic…too far away from the life we have now.

So we stop ourselves from imagining it.

But the ability to dream matters.

Sometimes, a dream is not necessarily a permanent destination. It is an experience you have not had yet - one that part of you wants to explore.

The House I Used to Imagine

I grew up living in an HDB flat throughout my childhood and young adulthood.

On my way to school, I would walk past landed houses and wonder what it would feel like to live in one.

I imagined the space, the privacy, the garden. 😍

Years later, when I became an expat and moved to Jakarta, that dream unexpectedly became possible.

Land and large houses were more abundant there. We moved into a huge house with a garden, five bedrooms, a garage and separate helpers’ quarters.

It was just me, my husband, our baby and our helper.

One of my first thoughts was: “Wow, there is so much space. You could dance around the house.”

Then came the other thoughts.

The house looked empty, so we needed more furniture.

Everything seemed so far apart. Retrieving something from another room could feel like a hike, especially with a small child clinging to your legs.

We didn't even use most of the bedrooms.

My husband, baby and I slept in one room. One became a guest room, although we rarely had guests. One was my study. One became a television room where I watched cartoons with my child. Another was meant to be her bedroom, but she hardly used it.

There was also a large, dark garage that felt like a big room by itself.

When my husband travelled for work, I didn't enjoy being alone with my baby in such a large house.

After two years, we moved into a smaller house.

It still had four bedrooms, but somehow, it felt better. More manageable, more comfortable, more cosy.

Every Dream Has a Price Beyond Money

There were certainly conveniences to living in a house.

You could step outside and get straight into the car. There was a garage for storage. There was plenty of room for the family.

But there were also problems I had never considered when I was a child admiring those landed homes.

A garden meant dealing with termites, stray cats, mice and other unexpected visitors.

Heavy rain sometimes meant leakages.

More space meant more maintenance, more furniture and more things to manage.

I had dreamed about the house, but I had not imagined everything attached to it.

That is often the part we miss when we fantasise about a different life.

We see the benefit but we don't always see the cost.

And the cost is not only financial. It may be time, responsibility, inconvenience, pressure or the loss of something else we value.

Returning to High-Rise Living

When we relocated to Manila a few years later, we once again had the choice between living in a house and living in a condominium.

This time, we chose the condominium.

And strangely enough, I felt at home again.

I enjoyed the security, the facilities, the neighbours and the feeling of living within a community.

Perhaps that's the Singaporean in me.

After experiencing both, I understood that I didn't necessarily want a landed home forever.

I had wanted the experience of living in one.

There is a difference.

The dream had still been worthwhile. It expanded my idea of what was possible. It allowed me to experience a life that had once felt far removed from my own.

But it also helped me understand myself better.

The Dream of Having a Chauffeur

I had another random dream when I was living in Singapore.

I wanted to have a chauffeur.

I didn't enjoy driving. Although I could drive, I found it stressful rather than relaxing, which is apparently how some people feel behind the wheel.

When we moved overseas, this dream also came true.

Having a driver was normal in Jakarta, and it was extremely convenient, especially when I had a young child.

There was always someone available to run an errand, help with groceries or deal with a small issue around the house.

For more than a decade, we had a driver.

Then, while living in Manila, our circumstances changed.

We lived close to our child’s school, restaurants, shops and supermarkets. Almost everything we needed was within walking distance, and Grab was readily available for longer journeys.

Keeping a car and driver started to feel extravagant and unnecessary.

It seemed silly to take the car to a supermarket or school that was literally a five-minute walk away.

Eventually, we stopped having both. And it was a relief.

I dislike waste, and I realised that having a driver waiting for me all day created its own strange pressure.

I felt as though I should go somewhere simply because the driver was there.

That is the unnecessary stress that can come from having too much.

Once again, I had lived the dream.

Then I discovered that I no longer needed it.

Some Dreams Are Experiences, Not Possessions

What these experiences taught me is that a dream doesn't always represent something you need to own or keep forever.

Sometimes, it is simply an experience your soul wants to have.

You may experience it and realise: “Yes, this is exactly how I want to live.”

Or you may realise:

“I enjoyed this, but I'm not willing to pay the full price that comes with it.”

Perhaps you love driving fast cars, but you don't need to own a fleet of supercars. You could rent one occasionally and enjoy the experience without taking on the full responsibility of ownership.

Perhaps your dream is not a physical possession at all.

Maybe you want to spend more time with your young child(ren). Or wake up slowly in the mornings. Maybe it's taking a month-long holiday to climb a mountain on every continent or go diving in all the places you have dreamed about.

Maybe you just want to work fewer hours, or create something of your own...or live in another country.

These dreams are not necessarily instructions for how the rest of your life must look.

They are invitations to discover another part of yourself.

Don't Reject the Dream Too Quickly

When a dream feels too big, our instinct is often to immediately ask:

“How could this possibly happen?”

And when we cannot see the answer, we dismiss it.

But you don't always need to know the full “how” at the beginning.

Write the dream down. Allow yourself to want it. Stay open to opportunities that may bring you closer to it.

At the same time, understand that the dream may not arrive under the conditions you originally imagined.

It may require you to change jobs, take on a bigger role, leave your job and take a break...or move overseas.

It may require you to build a new skill, make a difficult financial decision...or let go of a version of your identity that no longer fits.

It's being willing to recognise the opportunity when it appears - and having the courage to respond.

Because sometimes, for your dreams to come true, your circumstances have to change.

And sometimes, you have to change too.

So, what is one dream you have been dismissing because it feels too big or unrealistic?

Write it down.

You don't have to commit to wanting it forever.

But perhaps you can give yourself permission to explore and experience it. 💛